So recently I’ve heard about so many troubled marriages and relationships that haven’t worked out and turned ugly that I started to become really skeptical/fearful and jaded to the whole institution of marriage…. The percentage of ppl not working was so high that it was totally turned off to the idea of marriage and had started to decide that I never wanted to marry…  I saw the hurt, the misery the scarring… and people just not working out not necessarily bc of fighting or some inherent issue but some as simple as one person not loving the other anymore.. wat are you supposed to do with that?  how do you trust and commit when their feelings could just fall off like that…

Anyways… so after a whole weekend of deciding that permanent singlehood was the way to go… pshawn gave a sermon… that god somehow used to speak to me.  I’m sure it said different things to others but for me and wat I was thinking ….it spoke.  So the sermon was about about knowledge and wisdom.. and man accumulating all this knowledge and thinking they know everything.. wen really… as you come to know more.. it should show you how much you don’t know.. and that man has proven himself to be very wrong on some things when they have made blanket statements based on what they thought they knew  (gave examples of one expert saying the horse and cart were here to stay and that cars were a novelty, that man would never fly or not for another several years – wen really flight came but a few months after he made the statement etc…just incorrect proclamation after incorrect proclamation from cocky fools thinking they knew it all)… he went on to talk about how god knows everything n has infinitely more wisdom… and how you can/should only trust in him versus trying to rely on your own wisdom and different things we put our trust in….

Anyways. so he then went on to give an anecdote about his girls… and how they recently all got bikes and are learning to ride them… Sammie, his oldest, is pretty fearful… so she did ok with the training wheels but ps decided to take them off she struggled.  He’d run with her for a bit and then she would fall and get hurt.  They would try again and again she would fall and get all scraped up… over and over again she fell and the more she fell the more she wanted her  training wheels n put her trust solely in them to keep her from falling…

And then I realized that I was doing the same thing in my fear/view of marriage. That as I heard about more and more failed relationships it was like a bike falling without training wheels and the more I trusted solely in the training wheels of singlehood. Bc I didn’t want to go thru that.

But then ps went on to say that if you’ve ever seen a bike with training wheels on it.. that it’s really cumbersome and awkward…. That biking with training wheels isn’t really biking at all and how ridiculous it would be to see someone do the  tour de france with training wheels on…   that when you ride with them it’s slow and you can’t even really turn… rather you make small adjustments and eventually round a corner… that real biking without training wheels allows you to go fast and is amazing and allows you to fly and is pretty freeing and that the feeling is so different from what Sammie was thinking biking was all about with her training wheels on…

So for me .. while singlehood does in fact keep you from divorce, just bc it keeps me from falling doesn’t mean that’s how biking/life commitment was really meant to be.. or that despite marriages that fail and fall, they aren’t representative of god’s design for the institution and how it was meant to be or what happens every time.  That despite all the knowledge and things I see and have experience of others that I can’t rely solely on what I know/experience/see…. and that marriage can be something amazing and freeing and beautiful…

I was so thankful for this realization bc it was so encouraging and helpful … and really addressed how jaded and doubtful I felt… and absolutely restored a sense of hope …not only in this aspect for how i think in general and the re-realization that God knows better and can do all things… my experience/knowledge truly does pale to the scope and foresight and wisdom of god... and that's he (alone) is totally trustworthy.

This is not to say that I think marriage is for everyone or that singlehood was bad… but my line of thinking was starting to come to blanket conclusions about stuff… but yah. i'm so touched that god cared enough about my doubts and fears to teach and show me and speak to me to set the record straight.  o, wat a God we have! :)

for future ref

Am listening to chris tomlin’s ‘I will rise’ off the hello love album. And I really like it.. well there are several songs I like off this album. Anyways…wen I die, I want you guys to play that song at my funeral… if yall can find a whole choir and strings to play it with that would be awesome.. if not.. I trust the pathways praise band to do it right…

Try and mix in switchfoot’s ‘yesterday’ also somewhere in the services/afterparty (yall don't have to try and make that one your own. just play the track. hahah).  Also, PShawn, you can talk about me for like 2 minutes or watever since it's my funeral but really i want the gospel preached. just work it in... it can be like 'joanna was a nice, feisty soul that believed and tried to always love and live for christ....she was always floored by the greatest act of love god showed to humanity in his son jesus...'. hahaha and yah just lay it on them. gotta take advantage of the captive audience. While I’m making my wishes, I would like to be cremated I think. sprinkle me somewhere cool or nice. Or actually I don’t really care.  60% of my assets to joy unnie. 20% to parents. 5% to ps and fam. 5% to any of my friends that need help with bills or debt repayment (first come first serve basis). balance to the church/missions.  :)

dog days of ike

THURS : hurricane party number 1- clara, Julie, hannah, heari, suemy, sis and I sit around drinking cocktails and play board games. Girls go home, heari and I out to gengis to meet up mary, Sandra, alex, eric and other random folk. Eric is making everyone take shots… till everyone is feeling good and toasty. That counts as hurricane party number 2, I guess.

FRI : wake up to go running (last bit of exercise before we are locked up in the house) around memorial park with suemy, julie, and clara. Suemy almost kills her our of shape dog noa. Poor thing needs to be carried back to the car.  Come back home. Chill. Cook up some Korean short ribs for our last good/hot meal before ike. Then over to andrew’s for a quick rock band fix (hurricane party 3).  Over to h-mart. Food court closed. Blast. Buy foods and snacky snacks. Cook. Chill. Hunker down.  Wait for ike to slowly make land fall. This takes forever bc he’s only moving at 12 miles an hour.  Watch as the weatherman predicts mass destruction. Power cuts out at 1:30 am.  Winds start howling and start to feel nervous.  The news reports on ike up to now have had so much hype, we’re expecting the apocalypse even tho it’s only a cat 2 storm (course it is almost the size of texas and the tropical winds of it are equivalent to a cat 4 hurricane). Anxiety rises and start running thru ridiculous scenarios. Can’t sleep bc keep thinking that windows will blow in and pick up the knives in the kitchen creating a whirlwind of flying daggers downstairs… Start praying and hope that this nite of terror ends quickly.  Feeling like a jewish person the nite of Passover and waiting for day to break.  First the wind picks up.  The wind sounds are so loud that you can’t really sleep thru the noise (well my sister can…).  Later the rain comes and it sounds like someone is taking handfuls of gravel and pitching it against windows (least in my room).  Sis is snoring thru out all this somehow but Heari and I are up.  We watch an episode of the office on the vintage laptop until the battery dies to keep ourselves from freaking out.   Since you can only be nervous for so long, I give up and finally hit the sack around 4am. 

SAT: Ike has now traipsed thru and was on his way up I-45N up to the midwest. Thank God.  Wake up around 8am.  We all go out and explore and gawk at the uprooted trees and debris everywhere.  No damage to our place but there's a car buried under this massive tree next to us and a home with it's bricks ripped off around the corner.  Wood and insulation exposed.  Drive over to George’s to play boardgames and hang out with some new blood.  Several shots and rants over dumb scattegory answers later the guys are housed. Can’t take the heat and humidity and lack of water that we end hurricane party 4 and head over to heesoo’s (bc he has A/C now).  Hees has power back but no water so we cook up a storm and leave a pile of dirty dishes for Hurricane party 5 with the pathways crew.  Crash at heesoo’s.

SUN: church cancelled due to flooded streets and potential flash flooding. Chill some more and watch the Bourne series.  Go home. Check for electricity. Negative. Over to clara’s for hurricane party 6.  Meet parents for dinner. Come back to clara’s. Get introduced to the show ‘how I met your mother’. Play a round of catan. Find out about lehman debacle and Merrill buyout. Freak out. Get bad sleep at clara’s bc am worrying about my job.

MON: Watch opening bell. Now I believe the apocalypse is here.  Blood pressure rises as I twiddle thumbs and watch news of the financial crisis.  Can’t take it.  Leave to go check if electricity is back up. Negative. Go for a run around the neighborhood. Find 20 dollars in a puddle. Woot! Feel better. Water is totally back now at the house  so we clean the house.  Take a proper shower for the first time in days.  Hallelujah for hot water and gas water heaters.  Go out to eat. Check for juice. Negative. Head over to parent’s place bc they just got their power back.  Check internet/news. Lament further about job/my company’s fate. Slowly getting desensitized bc again it’s hard to stay worry for long periods of time.  Decide whatever happens happens.  Will view it as a potential blessing in disguise. Learning to trust god with this.  Feel way better and a big sense of peace.

TUES: Wake up. Head to work. Watch the news. Wait to see aig’s fate. Twiddle thumbs…

Overall a long and fun and emotional several days.  But thank god for his protection, for friends and family and modern conveniences that are slowly making their way back :)